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Banished to Home   
05:21pm 20/03/2006
 
mood: aggravated
Well we have had several scares in the past couple of days- Floods yesterday and Z being rushed to the hospital early this morning. They wish to keep her for a couple days but according to her (and how loudly she is bitching) she will be out tomorrow OR even as early as this evening. She said if they do not release her she will get up and walk out. The only problem with that plan is she cannot stand long enough or see well enough to make an escape. Heh.

My career is going well though they wish for me to travel more. Having Kayla to stay home helps a lot but still I hate leaving home. We think Rowan will be able to come home within a few short week which that excites me greatly!

Something I have to bitch about:
I opened an account on DA about a year ago and just had the time to get back into it. It amazes me how many people on there wish to portray the “tortured artist” elitist lifestyle as if that is the cool thing to do. I am sorry you are NOT a tortured artist if your mommy and daddy is buying you that $800.00 camera and its lenses. LOL.

I just love how they twist words to be able to attack or feel betrayed. For example: I went to the forum to welcome the newbies on DA. One made mention how he has been on DA for a year but never been in the forum so I welcome him to the forum and wished him the best. He replied with a snotty comment of: “Did you not read my post?! I have been on DA for a year” I didn’t bother to respond because that is what he wanted was drama but it got me thinking. Almost all of DA is like that and that in itself is VERY sad. Honestly nothing I can’t stand more is a wannabe angsty artist who has nothing to be angsty about.

Anywho…that was my bitch.

<3Erin		  
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The Story of You...   
02:44pm 09/03/2006
 
mood: loved
music: Legends of the Fall Sound Track - Twilight & Mist
I hear her at night when the house is asleep. I hear her shuffling about the hallways and pacing the floors. She goes to Rian’s room and sits in the chair next to her bed and just stares. She spends hours sitting in the dark her eyes fixed upon the empty bed.

She spends her afternoons walking. I catch glimpses of her moving about the property on foot or horseback. Sometimes she sits in the garden which has yet to bloom. She sits right where her and the girls used to have picnics. She often tinkers on her piano or sometimes she strums out haunting melodies on her guitar, but she won’t touch her harp.

I once caught her in Rian’s room in that same chair next to the girls empty bed strumming away on her guitar. It was a soft haunting tune that wept softly of her grief and told a story of what she calls “her alone.” When I asked her if I could get her anything she paused for a brief moment, looked to me, and said with a slight distant smile, “yes…give me my life back…”

Days pass by some harder then others. Her devotion to Rowan runs deeply. Even when she is sick from her treatments she goes and sees the child. Rowan normally sits quietly while with what little energy her Mother has she speaks of the events happening, of plans for the future, and of Rian. When she returns home from her visits she locks herself in her room. Most days we hear her weeping quietly and other days its just pure silence.

I am only on the outside of her pain. She keeps all of us at bay knowing her grief and her over all emotions will drowned us. Within her I see Rian living, laughing, and loving. In her chocolate brown eyes whispers that all things are possible if one just believes in themselves. I see within her an immense strength and will. She has inspired me to capture my dreams and live them. She taught me that being a woman is simply wonderful with all its burdens and struggles.

Today I woke up holding a small secret inside. I thought I was to celebrate my day alone. Instead on my bedside table was a small box with a bow on it and a small piece of paper rolled up in a scroll with a pretty purple ribbon on it. It was a beautiful lady bug charm with diamonds and my birthstone in it to go onto my ID bracelet she gave me for Valentine’s Day. She didn’t have to remember but she did. The anniversary I was collared to Lord Augustine.

It isn’t the fact that she had given me a gift. It’s that she loves me and honors the bond I had with my Master. That she honors him as I do and keeps him close to her heart. When I sit still and think about her I cry. I cry because I never thought I could adore, respect, cherish, and love someone so deeply that it goes beyond the physical, emotional, and mental limits of reason.

I want so much for her to feel what I feel for her every single day of her life, but I know because of the situation she is in its impossible at times for her to withstand anything. She says a lot that she feels alone. Sometimes I do too. I think that is all apart of the healing process though. “Sometimes in order to get to where you need to be you have to go within yourself and come out somewhere else.”

Maybe someday I will be able to express everything but for now this will do.

<3 Erin		  
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:(   
01:01am 28/12/2005
 
mood: sad
music: Sound of my crying
I feel so horrible right now. Miss' doggy died. He was her best friend in the whole wide world. They had been through a lot of stuff together. She took him everywhere she went. Where Z is so is Killer- its a given, but now he is gone. :(

She noticed he was acting weird a couple days ago and figured he just had the flu or the blues. She told me if he didnt get better by well...today she was going to take him to the vet to make sure everything was ok. When she went to lay down for a nap she called him to her and they slept together in her office. When she got up she let him out, gave him fresh water which he refused, then went and laid down on his bed in her office. He curled up and never awoke.

She called to him to come help her with Rian's piano lesson and he never came- which wasnt like him. She found him dead. You could tell she was absolutely crushed but she didnt cry. She sat the girls down and told them. They balled their eyes out and still do here and there. Kayla is a mess and so am I. Miss locked herself in her office and we heard her crying but she wont do it in front of us.

She called Dean and told him. Dean called in some favors with a couple friends and showed up at our door with a little handmade ceader coffin. Its just a simple little box. Z wrapped Killer in a pretty scarf and placed him in it for burial tomorrow. She was just too crushed to do it today and the girls wished to draw pictures and put them in the casket. :(

Who know such a little spirited ball of fur could have such an impact on our lives. I hardly knew him for that long- about 3 years or so- but I will miss him so much. I know Miss is pretty crushed about this and I dont blame her. He was her only family at one point in her life. He never hurt her and was always there.

Miss Z if you are reading this I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away that you feel over the loss of your precious Killer. If you need ANYTHING please let me know. I am here for you.

Killer you are loved and will be missed forever!

Blessings,
Erin		  
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Kayla Posting for Erin :)   
06:49am 19/09/2005
 
mood: sleepy
music: the news on TV
She is better- better than she was. Though you can tell the treatments are kicking her ass but she is kicking right back. A change happened within her on Friday. She became calm until Saturday when something pissed her off. Kayla and I think its something to do with KM and someone else. I don’t know why she still talks to that certain someone. This someone is the only person I know that Matimn has given a zillion chances to. Matimn isn’t like that. You hurt her once and she will come down on you with the wrath of God. I can understand where she is coming from though. I just wish there was something I could do to keep that shit from her. I am contemplating saying something to Kris. I dunno, yet. <3 Erin		  
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*sniffles*   
10:54pm 12/09/2005
 
mood: restless
music: R. Z Salutor - Cryptic Noise
I can’t sleep and I can’t think. I keep listening to her CD over and over. I hate this- waiting. Kayla is a mess too. We keep getting reports that “all is well” She just sent me an email saying she cannot wait to get home. Kayla is remaining most positive over this entire thing where as I am just feeling so alone. I should be the one with her not Ausadeh! I hate this and I hate Aussie. I should be posting her blogs, tending to her, and manning her phone NOT her! Kayla feels the same way. Dylan reminded me that I have the most important job aside from taking care of Matimn and that is caring for the girls and the House. I still hate Aussie. :P

<3 Erin		  
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*sigh*   
11:55pm 11/09/2005
 
mood: crappy
music: R. Z Salutor - Walking in the Air
I am worried. Zoë went and got her old bed from Dean’s apartment. It’s just a full sized bed that was hers when she was a kid or something. It’s beautiful and everything- it’s antique and I guess has a lot of history with her. She had it set up in her office then she brought her recording equipment in there too. She has totally moved out of her Master bedroom leaving Kayla and I to share it. We have been playing what she calls musical rooms and now that the other family in the main house has moved into another house the girls get their rooms back. I asked her why she was moving into her office and she said its best this way. I think she is moving in there because she is perpetually getting worse everyday. Last night she had the chills and spiked a fever. I tried to get her to lie down but she was busy doing paper work and trying to sort out things with the house. Her treatment starts soon and I hope it goes ok for her. I am really worried. I just wish she wouldn’t push us away so much. I really want to help and be there but she won’t let me. *sighs* I understand why she does it. I love her so much. I just don’t understand why this had to happen to her. :(

<3 Erin		  
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IN A WORLD!   
11:32pm 07/09/2005
 
mood: crazy
music: R. Z. Salutor - Purple Dream
I am sorry I haven’t updated in a while. Things have been really hectic here and work has been pretty damn annoying. I have been on edge and I think its because I am just really worried about things.

Matimn is really sick more so then she lets on. I cant stand to see her like this. She tries to play off the severity of the situation but I know that things aren’t good. Rian is actually doing well and Rowan is too. I am so happy they are home! I missed my little lovebugs!

Matimn’s “family” is in. I know how much trouble she has had in the past with her adopted father but it seems he is trying to make amends. I know she is pretty upset about all of it but it looks like both of them are really trying to put their best foot forward. The girls seem to like him a lot and Jacob as well. Matimn said Issy is coming is. I don’t know who this guy is but I guess when she was a little girl he was very kind to her and basically took care of her. “Male Nanny?” I asked. She replied, “Uh No…Kaleb stopped the nanny business when I was 6 when the one bitch ran out of the house screaming she was never going near children again. So, he just had his assistant take care of me.”

Confusing huh? Boy she has had a very interesting life. I can’t wait to meet the man who “raised” her. I wonder what he is like. She said some of her only fondest childhood memories were having a tea party with him with her antique toy china tea set. I guess this guy was really good to her.

Ugh! I don’t wanna go to work tomorrow! Its just been so stressful! Luckily its only this week- and its almost over with. YAY!

<3 Erin		  
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Matimn is hardheaded!   
06:20pm 08/08/2005
 
mood: giggly
music: R. Z. Salutor - Pandora
Z Burnt her hand pretty badly. I swear she has a very high tolerance for pain because she didn't even notice she was handling a hot pan until I said something. :( I am worried about her because you can tell her hand isn't well but she just goes about her day wincing here and there and basically ignoring that she needs to rest it. I really do wish she would slow down. She needs to teach Kayla or I how to fill orders so if she does get sick or something happens we have her covered. I will speak with her tonight about it. -Bugga		  
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buggabooblues
 
 

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